Like that if you make very very basic level mistakes like subject verb agreement errors they’ll cost you a lot on test day. Try your best to avoid those taking a look at your second body paragraph this one’s also quite good and it has a good topic sentence comment 16 is about your use of an adverb now it’s not a firm rule as I explained here. But I usually suggest putting the adverb as close as possible to the verb which it modifies this means you should avoid putting an adverb at the very end of a sentence and again this isn’t a rule it’s fine it’s okay to put an adverb at the end of the sentence but if you want your English to sound more natural and more native-like you put that adverb close to the verb. Your sentence originally you wrote moreover buying new technological advice and devices can help us to deal with stress well I do suggest you change that to deal well with stress it’s a very minor thing don’t worry too much if it’s difficult you can do it like this if you want but as a general rule put those adverbs near the verb and actually if you scroll down and look at comment 27. I made the same suggestion next you said in comment 23 that when your friend was using his smartphone he could blow his worries away. I suggest changing that to just like stop worrying about his problems blow away is a little bit too colloquial it’s kind of casual it’s a slang and it’s not appropriate in a TOEFL.
I say very quickly moving down to your conclusion again the conclusion like the introduction is a little bit shorter than hat I usually teach my students but again you were struggling to get your essays done in half an hour so it’s ok it does contain a a a restatement of your main point and it also includes a quick summary of your two reasons so it’s fine the only suggestion. I’m gonna make here is comment 31 which instead of saying that not waiting for them to become popular is more advantageous I suggest changing that to purchasing them right away is better than waiting until they are more popular and affordable that includes a little bit more of the question specifically it mentions both options and I’m gonna leave it at that actually. I Jung I’ll send you the email containing all of the detailed comments and corrections but those are the ones I want you to be most aware of if you have any questions just ask for those of you who aren’t a young if you want to get an evaluation like this just follow the link in the comments or in the annotation and you’ll find out exactly.